Be Still and Surrender
This was not the plan.
I was going to write this post last night and then, if I’m being, honest the bottom kind of fell out. I know that everyone has experienced one of those weeks that just keeps dealing you blows and won’t stop attacking your anxiety. Things are not going to plan and you are just shit out of luck everywhere you turn. I suppose this is the hardest time to think about things while being still. I kind of feel like I’m just sliding around smacking into things. I feel a bitterness that I try to push down that I give so much and where are those I give too? I feel lonely sometimes, sad, frustrated with lack of progress, with the stagnant way it feels waiting for shit to happen. Too many balls in the air. No control at all. This is the feeling of this past week for me. I have honestly ran out of ideas. Then I did something tonight I’ve only done once. 2022 was a rough year for me. It was one of the hardest years of my adult life. I was out of money, and out of luck. One day I sat in the living room after whatever the straw was that broke the camels back ate a king size Milky Way bar and screamed and cried… and then I gave up.
I had no idea what to do next, so I gave up. At first I thought bitterly that I was giving up because I was angry and didn’t give a fuck! Then I realized I was surrendering and it was beautiful. I already know how this turns out. The hard times will come, and then they will go. I am going to get as still as I can get. I want to breathe 108 deep full breaths throughout the day. Get myself still, because I do know how this turns out. I know I can trust there is a plan.
The day after my surrender in 2022 it dawned on me that I could do out call massage. I absolutely did not need someone to drive me around and set me up. I could get myself to appointments using different means of transportation.
This was the most liberating impowering thing I have ever done to this day. I would bid for a massage, make sure the money made sense, and take an Uber or if it was planned ahead of time I could use special transit. If the bid was high enough I would take them same day. It was always an adventure from navigating a client’s home to setting up. I was dropped off at the wrong place a couple of times. I waited in the cold for my rides sometimes with my table. It never dawned on me that I should be afraid. I met some amazing people and did my massage in some amazing places.
Feeling for the bottom so you can climb back up to the top. Settle in your still place, cozy and warm. New ideas and thoughts already beginning to take shape, and I can’t discount the wonderful things that have happened this week. See what I need to see. I need to see how my life is about to change. See what I need to see. I have an unbelievable life. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I get to do what I love and get paid for it. I have a wonderful family making wonderful memories with them. I get to do what I want from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed. Just because something isn’t going fast enough for me doesn’t mean it’s not moving. I take a deep balancing breath. I hear the whispers from my new life little hints of what’s to come. I smile thinking how I wake up most days and can’t believe this is my life.
This past couple of weeks has been challenging to say the least but I am ready to snuggle in to my warm cozy place of stillness and keep living the dream.